Long-distance love: How to keep ties strong across the miles

December 25, 2000
From UnderWire

Long-distance love: How to keep ties strong across the miles
By Rhona Raskin


Some people think a long-distance relationship (LDR) is when you're dating someone who lives more than 15 minutes away by bus. For most, however, it means at least a car trip — including a minimum of at least one pit stop and a two-sandwich road lunch.

LDRs require more effort than the regular, close-by kind, since the object of desire is generally unavailable for last-minute bowling dates, or successive weekends lolling about in each other's boring company. LDRs include higher phone bills and/or a great deal of spare time on-line, dropping e-mails and catching up in chat rooms.

There's a certain élan to the fact that the two bodies occupy different zip codes; separation in space and time adds mystery to the connection.

From the time we are teens, we dream about meeting someone from a far-off city, or falling in love with a foreign prince — and the idea that "somewhere else" is sexier remains with us through life. With global vacationing ("How was Borneo?") and technology that allows us to connect instantly to strangers around the planet, it is inevitable that someone you know will have an LDR of one magnitude or another. There are of course pluses to this — like assured privacy during "off-time," when one or both may pursue interests that are totally consuming. This can mean an obsession with archeology or raku pottery — or a secret extra relationship.

When the twosome does occupy the same time zone and geographical vicinity, there is a tendency to be nice — to be good company and use the limited time wisely. This works well for lovers who adore each other, those who fantasize about being together after school is over, or after the Belgrade posting is done. For some — military wives, for example — it may mean resentment about a partner being away from parenting responsibilities and missing the day-to-day life that gives companionship and perspective.

To be successful, the LDR must have a few important features:

1. First, a level of trust. Separate social lives are a built-in necessity. They need to flourish without acid conditions and apologetic stances. Those who linger at home, awaiting a potential mushy phone merger at the expense of having a life, will find resentment accrues. You can't bolt a minicam to your belt to appease a jealous partner — and who'd want to even if you could.

2. Second, the level of commitment needs to be in place. This enhances the future of the relationship as it matures and changes. LDRs are feasible if they have an end date — it's important that people know they are going to be residing on the same plot of land (or at least the same state) at some time in the foreseeable future.

3. Third, you need to have strong communication skills. Without input, couples can become strangers quickly. Some are inventive and extend the intimacy to phone sex.

4. Fourth, you need a realistic view of the detached alliance. Can both parties live with the idea that far-off plans may change — that there may be no date for Cousin Minnie's wedding? What happens if the cute guy in cubicle 17 sends "I'm interested" vibes"? When do you reveal that feelings are changing? Do you do it in person or over the phone? Is either party good at entertaining themselves or will there be tears when one needs to lean heavily on the relationship? Because of all of this, independent types do better with this arrangement.

Some relationships actually start out as LDRs. The play 84, Charing Cross Road was based on the correspondence between two writers who shared their life experiences in writing, but never actually met. This may be the ultimate LDR — no reality testing of the information exchanged. Off the stage, these types of long-distance connections usually start out in chat rooms on the Net.

The built-in problem is that despite all the intimate revelations and a mountain of calls and mail, there is always the unexpected waiting for the in-person picture. There's that cold sore he forgot to mention, or the new religion she is investigating ("Did I mention this is my celibate month?"). No matter how much information is exchanged back and forth, the body language and chemistry can be astonishingly dissimilar to the expectation.

For those hooked on new beginnings, the Long Distance Relationship can have its fabulous features. It's also great for those who — if they were honest — would admit they are more comfortable with a part-time partner, since too much closeness gives them hives. Many successful cross-country connections are the short-lived kind — exciting, exotic and expiration date visible.

Long-term successes tend to have a bigger life plan, the ones who know they will eventually wake up in bed together — without having to check the calendar.


Rhona Raskin is a family therapist and clinical counselor in Vancouver, B.C., and the host of Canada's top call-in radio show, "Rhona At Night." Her latest book is Ask Me Anything.