OFFLINE AND ON - THE SEVEN DEADLY FLIRTS

by Coco Helado

The term "flirting" leaves most of us a bit flustered. We either wish we
were great flirts and regret that we are not, or we distrust the notion
altogether because it smacks of game-playing. We are often confused as
to whether others are flirting with us, or merely being friendly. And
when it comes to flirting online, most of us haven't a clue. To dispel
all of this flirting bewilderment, I have outlined several common
flirtatious types, which I call the Seven Deadly Flirts. Familiarity
with these types helps us understand how best to flirt with others-and
to determine when someone is flirting with us.

1. THE GREEDY FLIRT
The Greedy Flirt is an indiscriminate attention-seeker. At parties she
gratuitously promenades back and forth in a skimpy outfit, or drives up
and down the driveway in her shiny red Lamborghini. Online, she noisily
announces her presence in a chatroom with a cheerful "Hello, Gentlemen!!
HERE I AM!!!" making liberal use of exclamation points and uppercase
lettering. The Greedy Flirt is happiest when all eyes are on her.
Whether she ever follows through is anyone's guess.

2. THE SLOTHFUL FLIRT
The Slothful Flirt conveys sensuality or sexiness with the littlest
effort possible. He is a master of the languid glance, the sensuous
gesture. Online he is adept at the sexual double-entendre, the
provocative "Mmmmmmm! or "Do tell!" The Slothful Flirt doesn't do much
because he doesn't need to; by piquing the curiosity of others, he
inspires them to chase him.

3. THE ENVIOUS FLIRT
The Envious Flirt covets other women's beaus. If another woman will have
a man, she believes, he must be desirable. Online, she tends to do the
searching, and if a man tells her he is currently involved with another
match, it only spurs her on. If you count an Envious Flirt amongst your
friends, better watch your back: she's liable to invite your boyfriend
to her place and encourage him to discuss his relationship problems over
candlelight and a bottle of wine. If you happen to covet an Envious
Flirt, she is easy to ensnare; just get one of your platonic female
friends to pretend she is in love with you. The Envious Flirt is yours.

4. THE LUSTFUL FLIRT
The Lustful Flirt is clearly on the make. Perhaps he approaches you at a
party and sighs, "I bet you look fantastic naked." Or sidles up to you
in a bar and whispers, "I want to get you alone sooooooo bad…." Online,
you have seen his handle, "TIGERNBED" or "OHORNYONE". The Lustful Flirt
is thinking of one thing and one thing alone, and is determined to see
it through immediately. His single-mindedness can be comical, but he
walks a fine line between getting laid and getting arrested.

5. THE VAIN FLIRT
Some animals signal their interest in the opposite sex by preening, and
The Vain Flirt is no different. She flips her hair from side to side, or
curls it around her finger. She touches her face and fusses with her
clothing. Many women unconsciously do some flirtatious grooming, but the
Vain Flirt takes it to an extreme. Online she'll promote her good looks
to the exclusion of almost everything else, describing how she might
dress on her first, second, third, and fourth dates. At a bar, she pulls
out her mirror to reapply her lipstick, accompanied by lip primer, lip
liner, lip gloss, and lip seal. The Vain Flirt is easy to spot, and she
is yours for the price of a few compliments. But once you have her, you
might find her less interested in you than in herself.

6. THE ADULTEROUS FLIRT
The adulterous flirt is a wily creature, but if you are wise to his
tricks you'll spot him with just a little effort. He has a complicated
and important job in another town -managing an oil field, supervising
the construction of an airport so he is only around a couple days a
week. He'd like you to come visit him at work, but unfortunately no
visitors are allowed. Pity, because he is always so happy to see you,
bearing flowers and gifts, and he always seems so frisky. But you can't
reach him at night because he doesn't have a home phone and his cell
always seems to be turned off. He doesn't wear a wedding ring, but the
charade inevitably falls apart. The Adulterous Flirt has a missus, and
one fine day she will hack into his personal email and track you down.

7. THE GLUTTONOUS FLIRT
The Gluttonous Flirt understands that the preparation of good food and
the art of seduction should be practiced in tandem. Accept a dinner
invitation from the Gluttonous Flirt and you're in for a treat.
Unspeakably delicious aromas emanate from her kitchen. As she puts the
finishing touches on a masterfully prepared meal, you are struck by her
poise and sensuality. Once you sit down to eat, the meal becomes a form
of foreplay, a sharing of a sensual language, so that by the time the
dialogue moves from the kitchen into the bedroom the groundwork for love
has been laid. Online you can spot a Gluttonous Flirt by the importance
she places on food and eating out. "An avid and adventurous cook" is
nothing if not euphemism. As you will discover, the Gluttonous Flirt is
great fun in the kitchen… and elsewhere.

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