by Rhona Raskin
Transformations conjure up thoughts of Cinderella — one moment scrubbing floors at home in second-hand clothes, the next, magically dancing with Prague princes in Prada originals. But not all changes are so visually appealing or economically positive.
In relationships, transformations come in many guises. There’s the woman who met her lover whilst she was a well-toned, low-fat-dressing-packing aerobics aficionado. Then she slid into a Body Mass Index over 30 and cancelled her health-club pass. There’s the man who immaculately and thoughtfully arrived for each date with a single flower, later relaxing enough to bypass burp cover-up and the daily changing of socks. These transgressions are the natural extension of an apprehensive beginning — where all was scoped and evaluated by the potential partner, then tossed aside to allow the real person to emerge.
Are these newbies wearing a persona that's merely pasted and taped together until the bell of "coupledom" rings? Or are they truly concerned with manners and health issues? What is their direction?
The lesson: Date someone long enough to get to know him before you buy the matching face towels and toothbrushes. If he hesitates to proffer an opinion on a subject precious to you, ask yourself: Is he is ducking discussion because he knows you’ll gasp at his viewpoint — which will make for lousy foreplay? Or is he a sensitive and private guy? If she can’t explain the source of her income and there’s no inheritance to cover the Porsche purchase, maybe it’s time to delve a bit deeper. Also, keep your radar on for phony smiles, ambiguous replies and too many wrong numbers.
There are also areas of exchange that go much deeper than a casual conversation about the use of room deodorizer or purchase of a stair-climber. Sometimes a class-act connection has a monumental re-organization that shatters the sense of the entire relationship.
I have a letter from a woman who was engaged for two years when a terrible accident left her clawing back from paralysis. She is getting there, but she’s disturbed and confused that her fiancé has been pulling away.
“What about for better or worse?” she asks.
Aside from the obvious — they aren’t married so the words haven’t been uttered yet — should a relationship be able to weather the terrible and the tragic and still survive? Is it realistic to expect a person to be there, no matter what? Does a man whose wife is totally incapacitated by mental illness or paralysis have the right to enjoy life as a healthy, mobile human? What obligations are there to the woman he loves? Christopher Reeve and his wife, Dana, are public people dealing with a transformation of that nature. They have decided to make this the centerpiece on their table of life. Would we make judgments if one of them had chosen to go in another direction?
These are difficult ethical and moral questions, and no one can tell you how upstanding to be. I think it’s one life per person and you are in the driver’s seat. If you couldn't live with yourself if you abandoned a partner, then you should stay. If you believe two lives will be a tragedy instead of one, you may decide to withdraw. You must also ask yourself what you would do if you were the one who got the bad news. Would you want the relationship to continue the same as before?
How about the not so tragic? The man whose wife transforms from size 12 to size 22 after the kids arrive. The woman whose husband goes from talented poet to driven personal-injury lawyer. Are these transformations the sole business of the human who has them — or up for discussion by all those affected by the change? Does one human decide for two? It is facile for others to pontificate on the “right thing” to do; they then take a 180-degree turn and go back to their own lives. It is simple to be a saint when you don’t have to apply for the job yourself.
To the woman who thinks little of body shapes, her lover’s extra girth may just be more to love. For the woman who thought she’d have a rock-climbing buddy, his extra 50 pounds is a lifestyle change. And what if your partner morphs from CEO to Zen Buddhism student? When fate or bad luck or accidents strike, each partner's assessment of the situation will differ and the strength of the relationship will determine the future.
Sometimes good fortune changes a person — winning a lottery, overcoming a disability, conquering the demon alcohol. All these "good" changes — new jobs, nose jobs and everything in between — still cause stress. In fact, many marriages break up over "good news," because the winner simply isn’t the same person. How distressing to discover she was sweet and self-effacing solely because she lacked the power to fire people or the money to act superior. (There’s a rumor that Cinderella wasn’t all that great at chores, took her sweet time, and once she landed her prince never allowed her family on her private Lear jet.) But if you have a solid sense of who you are, a first-class ticket to Europe or a new promotion will not bring out the demons lurking silently within your previous situation.
The best way is to think: "This is as good as it gets." Success as a human is not determined by outsiders’ assessment of you or your relationship. A person who knows how to be kind to herself — even in poverty or hard times — isn’t likely to change into the ugly freak from the dank basement if life takes a pretzel twist. It’s a good idea not to judge other people too harshly, because you never know when a toad will turn into a prince or vice versa.
We lend our hearts and cross our fingers over the possibility that something may come to irretrievably reconstruct our reality. In our minds that something is usually a positive mutation, but those with a teetering relationship will find that change is always a strong wind — no matter the source. The stronger the cement, the more likely the building will be standing in the end.
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