COUNTER CULTURE: You know your life is a Malay TV drama when...

by Amir Muhammad

You know your life is a Malay TV drama when...

1. Your father wears bush-jackets, sighs a lot, and has a heavily lipsticked secretary whose only purpose in life is to say, "Ini dia fail yang encik minta tadi." (This is the file that you asked for.)

2. Your mother wears jewels around the house and is always asking you to "sabarlah" (be patient). At opportune moments she will worry that you're not eating enough, place a hand on your forehead and say you need to see a doctor. You decline politely but firmly. You don't quite trust your mother because she looks only five years older than yourself.

3. An entire conversation (encapsulating but not limited to introductions, exposition, and the dawning comprehension which come out of life-changing revelations) can be held while waiting for the lift to arrive in your 10-storey office building.

4. You spend an awful lot of time getting in and out of cars and putting on seat-belts.

5. You enjoy saying the most obvious things. When a bunch of relatives turns up at your doorstep with enough luggage to see them through another world war, you say, "Eh, dah sampai dah." (Eh, you're here). They somehow resist the temptation to say, "Nah, we're just holograms."

6. Shopping complexes not only offer you a dazzling array of commercial goods but have free Infidelity Checks. Hang around one long enough and you will find out whether your loved one is cheating on your sorry ass. You will spot the scumbag/tramp in an intimate moment with a third party as they share an ice-cream or leave a shoe-store. While you make this discovery the shopping complex will arrange for you to be hidden behind a convenient pillar.

7. Board meetings tend go very easily because only two out of the dozen people in the room ever have anything to contribute. The others exist only to nod furiously. This is understandable because they all look too young to know anything. The signal for a meeting to end is when your handphone goes off.

8. At cafes you only ever order "fresh orange" juice and when it arrives it will have a whole jungle of sprigs and twigs sticking out of it. The profuse vegetation between your mouth and the drink will frustrate any attempt to take large, comfortable gulps, so you merely sip. If the chat you are having at the cafe does not go well you can storm out after an average of two and a half sips, leaving the other person to pay for everything.

9. There are night-time moments along an alley-way when you will surrender to an inexplicable urge to get beaten up. You will know when the time comes because blue smoke will appear out of nowhere.

10. The proper protocol when visiting a hospital is to pace restlessly up and down the corridor and then grab hold of the nearest white-coated specimen to demand, "Bagaimana keadaan dia, doktor?" ("How's s/he doing, doctor?") You will persist in this line of questioning even after he
patiently explains that it is too soon to tell. You don't suspect the guy of being an imposter even though he seems awfully young to be a doctor.

11. Hands are an important guide to character. You know who your enemies are because they always crack their knuckles loudly before summoning the blue smoke. You know who your friends are because they always snap their fingers and say "Alright!" when you come up with some bright idea.

12. Your surroundings frequently come alive to the sound of music.

AMIR MUHAMMAD studied law and then film, and is now a full-time writer based in Kuala Lumpur. COUNTER CULTURE will discuss everything from Aristotle's fashion sense to Amy Mastura's politics, although not always in that order. The column will appear in malaysiakini every Wednesday.

Top Bumper Stickers

TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1.    Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2.    Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3.    If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4.    If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
5.    If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6.    Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7.    If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8.    My Kid Got Your Honour Roll Student Pregnant.
9.    Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10.   To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
11.   If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek counseling.
12.   Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13.   If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14.   Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15.   It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16.   Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
17.   You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18.   The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19.   I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20.   This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21.   So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22.   Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23.   If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24.   The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25.   Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26.   Illiterate? Write For Help
27.   Honk If Anything Falls Off
28.   Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29.   He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30.   I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31.   You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32.   I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33.   Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34.   It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35.   I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36.   If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
37.   If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38.   Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39.   If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40.   Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41.   Guys:  No Shirt, No Service Gals:  No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42.   If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43.   Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold  One.
44.   Ax Me About Ebonics
45.   Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46.   Boldly Going Nowhere
47.   Cat: The Other White Meat
48.   Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49.   Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50.   Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animals

Ultraman vs. Star Wars

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Dennis Ritchie

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Rahsia Rukun Solat

Nabi Muhammad SAW merupakan nabi terakhir yang diutuskan oleh Allah SWT untuk membimbing manusia ke arah jalan kebenaran. Tidak seperti umat nabi-nabi yang lain, umat nabi Muhammad telah diperintahkan untuk mengerjakan solat 5 waktu setiap hari. Ini merupakan kelebihan dan anugerah Allah SWT terhadap umat nabi Muhammad dimana solat tersebut akan memberikan perlindungan ketika di hari pembalasan kelak. Berikut diterangkan asal-usul bagaimana setiap solat mula dikerjakan.

SUBUH

Manusia pertama yang mengerjakan solat subuh ialah Nabi Adam a.s. iaitu ketika baginda keluar dari syurga lalu diturunkan ke bumi. Perkara pertama yang dilihatnya ialah kegelapan dan baginda berasa takut yang amat sangat. Apabila fajar subuh telah keluar, Nabi Adam a.s. pun bersembahyang dua rakaat. Rakaat pertama: Tanda bersyukur kerana baginda terlepas dari kegelapan malam. Rakaat kedua: Tanda bersyukur kerana siang telah menjelma. ZOHOR Manusia pertama yang mengerjakan solat Zohor ialah Nabi Ibrahim a.s. iaitu tatkala Allah SWT telah memerintahkan padanya agar menyembelih anaknya Nabi Ismail a.s.. Seruan itu datang pada waktu tergelincir matahari, lalu sujudlah Nabi Ibrahim sebanyak empat rakaat.

Rakaat pertama: Tanda bersyukur bagi penebusan.
Rakaat kedua: Tanda bersyukur kerana dibukakan dukacitanya dan juga anaknya.
Rakaat ketiga: Tanda bersyukur dan memohon akan keredhaan Allah SWT.
Rakaat keempat: Tanda bersyukur kerana korbannya digantikan dengan tebusan kibas.

ASAR

Manusia pertama yang mengerjakan solat Asar ialah Nabi Yunus a.s. tatkala baginda dikeluarkan oleh Allah SWT dari perut ikan Nun. Ikan Nun telah memuntahkan Nabi Yunus di tepi pantai, sedang ketika itu telah masuk waktu Asar. Maka bersyukurlah Nabi Yunus lalu bersembahyang empat rakaat kerana baginda telah diselamatkan oleh Allah SWT daripada 4 kegelapan iaitu:

Rakaat pertama: Kelam dengan kesalahan.
Rakaat kedua: Kelam dengan air laut.
Rakaat ketiga: Kelam dengan malam.
Rakaat keempat: Kelam dengan perut ikan Nun.

MAGHRIB

Manusia pertama yang mengerjakan solat Maghrib ialah Nabi Isa a.s. iaitu ketika baginda dikeluarkan oleh Allah SWT dari kejahilan dan kebodohan kaumnya, sedang waktu itu telah terbenamnya matahari. Bersyukur Nabi Isa, lalu bersembahyang tiga rakaat kerana diselamatkan dari kejahilan tersebut iaitu:

Rakaat pertama: Untuk menafikan ketuhanan selain daripada Allah yang Maha Esa.
Rakaat kedua: Untuk menafikan tuduhan dan juga tohmahan ke atas ibunya Siti Mariam yang telah dituduh melakukan perbuatan sumbang.
Rakaat ketiga: Untuk meyakinkan kaumnya bahawa Tuhan itu hanya satu iaitu Allah SWT semata-mata, tiada dua atau tiganya.

ISYAK

Manusia pertama yang mengerjakan solat Isyak ialah Nabi Musa a.s.. Pada ketika itu, Nabi Musa telah tersesat mencari jalan keluar dari negeri Madyan, sedang dalam dadanya penuh dengan perasaan dukacita. Allah SWT menghilangkan semua perasaan dukacitanya itu pada waktu Isyak yang akhir. Lalu sembahyanglah Nabi Musa empat rakaat sebagai tanda bersyukur.

Rakaat pertama: Tanda dukacita terhadap isterinya.
Rakaat kedua: Tanda dukacita terhadap saudaranya Nabi Harun.
Rakaat ketiga: Tanda dukacita terhadap Firaun.
Rakaat keempat: Tanda dukacita terhadap anak Firaun.
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Ava (24 months old) BSL Dinner Chat: National Deaf Children's' Society (NDCS) Sign Up Campaign

A very cool video. please watch and read description below. 

 

National Deaf Children's' Society (NDCS) Sign Up Campaign - please enjoy the video AND sign the petition! Only takes a few seconds, literally. Thank you so much! http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/7763

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Have you had trouble communicating with your deaf child, such as reading them a bedtime story?

Language and communication is key to any relationship, particularly at home. However, many families are not getting the support they need to learn to communicate with their child, particularly those who want to learn sign language.

Access to family sign language has been piloted in some areas and even the Prime Minister has recognised how successful it has been. NDCS is now lobbying the Government to expand the scheme across England. The Department for Education will be thinking about expanding these pilots in the autumn so we need your urgent help. Please ask your MP to write to the Department, using these 3 easy steps:

Step 1: Using the form on the URL below enter your name, address, postcode and email address, and then click on 'submit'.

http://e-activist.com/ea-action/action?ea.client.id=19&ea.campaign.id=116...

Step 2: On the next page you will be shown a draft message to your MP.

Step 3: You can send your message by email, or print off a copy and put it in the post by clicking on the option you prefer.

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This is a video of our daughter Ava, aged 24 months having a conversation with her mum Lilli at the dinner table.

We are both deaf so we were able to sign from when Ava was born, hearing parents should be given the chance to learn sign language and be able to communicate with their own child fully. We think its important to note that eventually it would be great to see this opportunity given to grandparents, siblings, and other family members/carers.

Language is not a privilege, it is a right.

Please can you sign this petition http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/7763 and support the NDCS Sign Up campaign. Thank you!

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Kind and motivating words

Kejahilan meracun diri sendiri

Seorang wanita tiba-tiba mati dengan tidak disangka-sangka dengan tanda-tanda pendarahan dari telinga, hidung, mulut & mata. Selepas bedah siasat awal ia disahkan bahawa kematian disebabkan keracunan arsenik.

Dari manakah arsenik yang datang?

Polis melancarkan siasatan secara mendalam dan meluas. Seorang profesor institusi perubatan telah dijemput untuk datang membantu menyelesaikan kes itu.

Profesor dengan berhati-hati melihat kandungan dari dalam perut. Dalam kurang dari setengah jam, misteri itu dapat diselesaikan.

Profesor itu berkata: "si mati tidak membunuh diri atau dibunuh, beliau meninggal dunia akibat kemalangan dari kejahilan!"

Semua orang hairan, mengapa kematian akibat kemalangan dari kejahilan?

Profesor itu menjelaskan: "arsenik dihasilkan dalam perut si mati." 

Si mati yang mengamalkan pengambilan Vitamin C setiap hari, yang dengan sendirinya tidak menjadi masalah.

Masalahnya ialah bahawa dia makan sebahagian besar udang semasa makan malam. Makan udang tidak mendatangkan masalah dan tiada apa yang berlaku kepada keluarganya walaupun mereka telah sama-sama udang. Walau bagaimanapun, pada masa yang sama si mati juga mengambil vitamin C ', itulah yang mendatangkan masalah!

Penyelidik di University of Chicago di Amerika Syarikat, mendapati selepas melalui uji kaji, makanan yang seperti kekerang lembut (shell) mengandungi kepekatan yang lebih tinggi lima sebatian arsenik kalium.

Makanan itu segar dengan sendirinya tidak mempunyai kesan toksik terhadap tubuh manusia.

Walau bagaimanapun, dalam mengambil vitamin C, tindak balas kimia berlaku dan asal unsur-unsur bukan toksik berubah kepada unsur-unsur toksik.

Keracunan arsenik mempunyai peranan magma dan boleh menyebabkan kelumpuhan kepada saluran darah yang kecil. Oleh itu, orang yang mati akibat keracunan arsenik akan menunjukkan tanda-tanda pendarahan dari telinga, hidung, mulut & mata. Oleh itu sebagai langkah berjaga-jaga, JANGAN makan udang apabila mengambil vitamin C.
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MAKANAN KEGEMARAN RASULULAH S.A.W

1. Barli – Bagus untuk demam jika dibuat sup.

2. Kurma – Nabi berkata rumah yang tidak mempunyai kurma adalah sepert rumah yang tidak ada makanan.

3. Buah Tin – Buah dari syurga. Boleh mengubati buasir.

4. Anggur – Nabi suka buah anggur. Ia membersihkan darah, menguatkan buah pinggang, membersihkan perut

5. Madu – Ia adalah makanan segala makanan, minuman segala minuman, ubat segala ubat. Mengubati cirit birit jika dibancuh dengan air panas, membuka selera, menguatkan perut, membuang kahak. Elok diminun waktu pagi dengan air suam.

6. Tembikai (Segala Jenis) – Nabi berkata wanita mengandung tidak akan gagal melahirkan anak yang baik dari segi karater dan wajahnya.

7. Susu – Nabi berkata susu baik untuk membuang panas badan seperti tangan membuang peluh dari dahi. Menguatkan belakang, memperbaiki otak memperbaharui pandangan mata, membuang kelupaan.

8. Cendawan – Baik untuk mata, perancang keluarga.

9. Minyak Zaitun – Rawatan kulit dan rambut. Melambatkan penuaan, merawat radang perut.

10. Delima – Membersihkan tubuh dari syaitan & bisikan syaitan selama 40 hari.

11. Cuka – Nabi selalu meminum dengan minyak zaitun (Trend yang popular di restoran Itali)

12. Air – Minuman terbaik. Jika dahaga hendaklah disedut perlahan-lahan. Jangan diteguk. Mudah mendapat sakit pada hati