Jokes

Quick Wit:

We live in a mobile home. Hey, there are advantages to living in a mobile home. One time, it caught on fire. We met the fire department half way. -- Ronnie Shakes

Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you. -- Missy Dizick

BIRTHDAY WISHES - submitted by Debbie Bradford

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

Quick Wit:

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

- Emo Phillips

Quick Wit:

I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part.

-- Garry Shandling

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

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Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact. Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!

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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

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Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and chearing, "51 days! 51 days!!" About five minuteslater, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the chearing. Finally, another blonde walkes in with what looks like a cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts chearing with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

Top Signs You're Bored at Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

Quick Wit:

We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty. "Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

"I've always tried to go a step past wherever other people expected me to end up."

--Beverly Sills

"When you're through changing, you're through."

--Bruce Barton

"True eloquence consists of saying all that should be said, and that only."

--Francois de La Rochefoucald

Hey, so you said or did the wrong thing: ease up on yourself: "If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?"

--Dolores Huerta

"To understand is to forgive - even oneself."

--Alexander Chase

"The moment an individual can accept and forgive himself, even a little, is the moment in which he becomes to some degree lovable."

--Eugene Kennedy