Jokes III

You Know You're In Trouble When ...

..... Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
..... Your suggestion box starts ticking. .
.... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
..... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
..... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
..... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
.... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
..... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

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Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer. Satan is a bit perplexed.

He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?" The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

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Quick Wit:

Ask yourself why the New York City subway system, alone of all the mass transit systems in the world, has maps inside rather than outside the trains. It's to force you to get on the wrong train in order to find out where you're going...
You decipher the map to discover that the first step in reaching your destination is to get off the wrong train at the next stop.

– Calvin Trillin