An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already!"
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Going the Right Way
In 1939, in a small town in Oklahoma, a young couple had been married a few short and disappointing months. He never dreamed there were so many ways to ruin fried chicken. She couldn't imagine why she ever thought his jokes were funny. Neither one said aloud what they were both thinking -- the marriage was a big mistake. One hot afternoon, they got into a terrible argument about whether they could afford to paint the living room. Tempers flared, voices were raised, and somehow one of the wedding gift plates crashed to the floor. She burst into tears, called him heartless and a cheapskate. He shouted that he'd rather be a cheapskate than a nag, then grabbed the car keys on his way out. His parting words, punctuated by the slam of the screen door, were, "That's it! I'm leaving you!" But before he could coax their rickety car into gear, the passenger door flew open and his bride landed on the seat beside him. She stared straight ahead, her face tear-streaked but determined. "And just where do you think you're going?" he asked in amazement. She hesitated only a moment before replying, just long enough to be sure of the answer that would decide the direction of their lives for the next forty-three years. "If you're leaving me," my mother said, "I'm going with you."
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A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!''
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
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