Break away from loneliness

Wednesday, September 13, 2000

Health

Loneliness is often accompanied by other negative feelings and also increases the likelihood of fatal disease. Barbra Williams Cosentino advises on ways to escape the loneliness trap.

LONELINESS is a universal experience known to every human being--single parents, teenagers, divorcees and even the happily married. No one is immune. Even the rich and famous suffer from loneliness.

The late singer Judy Garland once said: "If I'm a legend, then why am I so lonely? Let me tell you, being a legend is all very well if you've got somebody around who loves you.''

Many more of us are probably lonely but reluctant to admit it, feeling ashamed and stigmatised by our loneliness and seeing it as a sign that we are unlovable or defective instead of recognising it as part of the human condition.

James Park, an existentialist philosopher, asks: "Is there a person who has never known the eerie distance of isolation and separation, who has never suffered the pain of rejection or the loss of love?''

Park eloquently goes on to say that "loneliness is an aching void in the centre of our being, a deep longing to love and to be loved, to be fully known and accepted by at least one other person.''

Experts say there are several kinds of loneliness.

Emotional isolation springs from the absence of close emotional attachment. Dr Robert Weiss of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a social scientist who did much of the seminal research on loneliness, describes emotional isolation as the terror of a small child who feels abandoned by his parents.

Social isolation results from the lack of a social network. Weiss characterises social isolation as the mindset of a child who is bored and feels left out when his friends are unavailable at a given time. It's no coincidence that children often create imaginary companions to chase away feelings of loneliness.

Spiritual loneliness stems from a void within ourselves, a sense of feeling incomplete and unfulfilled even when we have many loving people in our lives. Psychiatrist Mark Epstein, the author of Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, tells his patients that instead of fearing this emptiness, they should learn to embrace it.

He writes: "Only when we stop fighting with our personal emptiness can we begin to appreciate the transformation that is possible. Only then can we have access to the still, silent centre of our own awareness.''

Only the lonely ... people who suffer frequently from loneliness also have to endure negative emotions including sadness boredom, anxiety, restlessness and self-pity.

Although divorce, moving to a new state or a child leaving home can cause feelings of loneliness and loss, such feelings are often based on an internal sentiment rather than external reality.

Even a socially active, "popular'' person can feel emotionally isolated when surrounded by a roomful of superficial acquaintances with whom she lacks a true emotional connection.

And people in a satisfying intimate relationship can feel lonely if they don't have a network of friends to turn to for support when their partner is physically or emotionally unavailable.

Because aloneness is different from loneliness, we need to tune in to the unique pleasures of solitude. We need the freedom to devote hours to our passions, the opportunity for self-reflection and introspection, and space to engage in activities in which creativity gushes forth so that we are oblivious to the passage of time.

People who suffer frequently from loneliness find that it is often accompanied by a host of other negative emotions, including sadness, boredom, anxiety, restlessness, self-pity and a lowered sense of self-esteem.

One lonely woman says: "I feel like my stomach is a big cheese with a little rat gnawing at it--never making any progress.''

In his 1977 book The Broken Heart, James Lynch of the University of Maryland Hospital in the United States makes a powerful connection between social isolation and heart disease, pointing out that "reflected in our hearts there is a biological basis for our need to form loving human relationships.''

More recent research reveals that people who live alone after their first heart attack are almost twice as likely to have a second attack or to die from heart disease than those who share a home.

Studies also show that people diagnosed with breast cancer, malignant melanoma and other potentially malignant diseases survive longer if they join a support group.

These patients also show evidence of increased activity of "natural killer cells'' that reflect improved immune functioning.

To feel complete, we need to nurture a strong connection with our inner selves as well as all kinds of social connections--spouses, lovers, best friends or mentors with whom we can share our most private thoughts and feelings.

We also need casual buddies to "hang out with'' (shopping pals and let's-see-a-movie friends) and work or church acquaintances who share common day-to-day interests.

If you are lonely, here are some things to avoid:

- Isolating yourself or escaping into endless sleep.

- Watching TV excessively or surfing the Web for hours on end.

- Overindulging in food, alcohol or drugs to numb the pain.

Here are some positive ways to deal with loneliness:

- Seek out people _ If you're lonely due to a situational factor (recent divorce, job loss or a move to a new community), realise that your feelings are transient. Give yourself some grieving time, and then seek out people in a similar situation. Find a support group, or join a community centre, health club, theatre group or religious organisation where you can meet other people and share something in common.

- Explore chat rooms, websites for singles or divorced people, single parents, folks in recovery from substance abuse and others who might be prone to loneliness.

- Build social skills--If you're chronically lonely because you're shy or don't relate easily to other people, brush up on your conversational or social skills. Force yourself to engage others in conversation (remember, people love to talk about themselves, so ask plenty of questions) and go places where there will be people to talk with.

- If your loneliness has led to serious depression, see your doctor or seek psychotherapy.

- Be active--Take part in activities you love. It's hard to be lonely when you're smashing tennis balls back and forth or soaring down a ski slope. It's also likely that you'll meet people there who enjoy the same kinds of things you do.

Text: LAT-WP