Break away from loneliness

Wednesday, September 13, 2000
Health
 
Loneliness is often accompanied by other negative
feelings and also increases the likelihood of fatal
disease. Barbra Williams Cosentino advises on ways to
escape the loneliness trap.

LONELINESS is a universal experience known to every
human being--single parents, teenagers, divorcees and
even the happily married. No one is immune. Even the
rich and famous suffer from loneliness.

The late singer Judy Garland once said: "If I'm a
legend, then why am I so lonely? Let me tell you,
being a legend is all very well if you've got somebody
around who loves you.''

Many more of us are probably lonely but reluctant to
admit it, feeling ashamed and stigmatised by our
loneliness and seeing it as a sign that we are
unlovable or defective instead of recognising it as
part of the human condition.

James Park, an existentialist philosopher, asks: "Is
there a person who has never known the eerie distance
of isolation and separation, who has never suffered
the pain of rejection or the loss of love?''

Park eloquently goes on to say that "loneliness is an
aching void in the centre of our being, a deep longing
to love and to be loved, to be fully known and
accepted by at least one other person.''

Experts say there are several kinds of loneliness.

Emotional isolation springs from the absence of close
emotional attachment. Dr Robert Weiss of the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a social
scientist who did much of the seminal research on
loneliness, describes emotional isolation as the
terror of a small child who feels abandoned by his
parents.

Social isolation results from the lack of a social
network. Weiss characterises social isolation as the
mindset of a child who is bored and feels left out
when his friends are unavailable at a given time. It's
no coincidence that children often create imaginary
companions to chase away feelings of loneliness.

Spiritual loneliness stems from a void within
ourselves, a sense of feeling incomplete and
unfulfilled even when we have many loving people in
our lives. Psychiatrist Mark Epstein, the author of
Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, tells his
patients that instead of fearing this emptiness, they
should learn to embrace it.

He writes: "Only when we stop fighting with our
personal emptiness can we begin to appreciate the
transformation that is possible. Only then can we have
access to the still, silent centre of our own
awareness.''

Only the lonely ... people who suffer frequently from
loneliness also have to endure negative emotions
including sadness boredom, anxiety, restlessness and
self-pity.

Although divorce, moving to a new state or a child
leaving home can cause feelings of loneliness and
loss, such feelings are often based on an internal
sentiment rather than external reality.

Even a socially active, "popular'' person can feel
emotionally isolated when surrounded by a roomful of
superficial acquaintances with whom she lacks a true
emotional connection.

And people in a satisfying intimate relationship can
feel lonely if they don't have a network of friends to
turn to for support when their partner is physically
or emotionally unavailable.

Because aloneness is different from loneliness, we
need to tune in to the unique pleasures of solitude.
We need the freedom to devote hours to our passions,
the opportunity for self-reflection and introspection,
and space to engage in activities in which creativity
gushes forth so that we are oblivious to the passage
of time.

People who suffer frequently from loneliness find that
it is often accompanied by a host of other negative
emotions, including sadness, boredom, anxiety,
restlessness, self-pity and a lowered sense of
self-esteem.

One lonely woman says: "I feel like my stomach is a
big cheese with a little rat gnawing at it--never
making any progress.''

In his 1977 book The Broken Heart, James Lynch of the
University of Maryland Hospital in the United States
makes a powerful connection between social isolation
and heart disease, pointing out that "reflected in our
hearts there is a biological basis for our need to
form loving human relationships.''

More recent research reveals that people who live
alone after their first heart attack are almost twice
as likely to have a second attack or to die from heart
disease than those who share a home.

Studies also show that people diagnosed with breast
cancer, malignant melanoma and other potentially
malignant diseases survive longer if they join a
support group.

These patients also show evidence of increased
activity of "natural killer cells'' that reflect
improved immune functioning.

To feel complete, we need to nurture a strong
connection with our inner selves as well as all kinds
of social connections--spouses, lovers, best friends
or mentors with whom we can share our most private
thoughts and feelings.

We also need casual buddies to "hang out with''
(shopping pals and let's-see-a-movie friends) and work
or church acquaintances who share common day-to-day
interests.

If you are lonely, here are some things to avoid:


Isolating yourself or escaping into endless sleep.

Watching TV excessively or surfing the Web for hours
on end.

Overindulging in food, alcohol or drugs to numb the
pain.
Here are some positive ways to deal with loneliness:

Seek out people _ If you're lonely due to a
situational factor (recent divorce, job loss or a move
to a new community), realise that your feelings are
transient. Give yourself some grieving time, and then
seek out people in a similar situation. Find a support
group, or join a community centre, health club,
theatre group or religious organisation where you can
meet other people and share something in common.

Explore chat rooms, websites for singles or divorced
people, single parents, folks in recovery from
substance abuse and others who might be prone to
loneliness.

Build social skills--If you're chronically lonely
because you're shy or don't relate easily to other
people, brush up on your conversational or social
skills. Force yourself to engage others in
conversation (remember, people love to talk about
themselves, so ask plenty of questions) and go places
where there will be people to talk with.

If your loneliness has led to serious depression, see
your doctor or seek psychotherapy.

Be active--Take part in activities you love. It's hard
to be lonely when you're smashing tennis balls back
and forth or soaring down a ski slope. It's also
likely that you'll meet people there who enjoy the
same kinds of things you do.

Text: LAT-WP